When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
the clam before the storm
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.