extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors