“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
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It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah