If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).