My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
The old gods are rising again.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Lmbo
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.