I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
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My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Still a very good boi….
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?