It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
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*exercises sarcastically*
Today’s Times
how to market bottled water to dads
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.