Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
You Might Also Like
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
man i love columbo
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.