Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎