The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.