I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target