Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.