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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Spider-cat: No One Home
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do