starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
OKAY DAD
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Pretty much! 😂👀