How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
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me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
become ungovernable
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Seas the day!!!!
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*