They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I think this cat is broken
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers