“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
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(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
pls suprot
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”