“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.