Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Rather alarming headline…
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
meanwhile over on facebook
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.