Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
pat pat
2022 will be better than 2021
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction