ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
You Might Also Like
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.