.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
You Might Also Like
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I wish this was real life…
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.