Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
reminder
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Spell check is for lasers.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.