I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.