There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
found my next D&D character name
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.