You look like you would fail a DNA test
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”