Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
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Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Thursday Thought.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency