In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
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I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Super Hand Dog Face
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.