No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
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My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer