Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win