You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats