People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake