Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
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That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”