Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Everyone’s family
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*