Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
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Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Best seat on the street 😍
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.