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*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa