I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
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[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
wait.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.