“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
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Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Blew out my flip flop…
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine