*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder