you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Breaking news:
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
LOL!
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument