My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
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Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.