You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
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Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this