PARKOUR
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Comparing yourself to others
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]