you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Scream sneezers need love too.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
One of the best
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.