Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
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her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here