Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
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When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb