me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
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“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…