lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him