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5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Natural selection at its finest
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Hmm, not sure about this change
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile