Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
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My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Cake!!
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
umm…
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go